The Viral Superhero Football Matchup Gets A Serious Breakdown From Our Writers

We’ve all heard the phrase “It’s not the X’s and O’s but the Jimmy’s and Joe’s that make the difference”. A quote attributed to legendary Texas Longhorn coach Darrell K. Royal, who spoke about the players you put on the field mattering even more than the strategy you scheme up. However, when all talent is relatively equal, you must take any schematic edge you can get.

Such is the case in our first ever version of Whiteboard Wars, where we ask a group of our writers who would win a matchup and how they would win it. Our matchup comes from a viral tweet that rocked social media this week. With superheroes on both sides of the ball, who has the advantage?

I mean, both sides of the roster are loaded. A backfield of Superman, The Flash and Sonic is giving defenses nightmares, but a defensive line of Abomination, Thanos and Broly might give the other side the edge.

Here’s our thoughts on the matchup, and who wins:

JP Acosta: Offense wins a nail-biter

So I thought way too hard about this, and drew up schematic ways for both sides to win.

On the offensive side, there’s a clear strength and weakness. The biggest weak point is up front, with Baymax at center. While I love Baymax—when he goes into sport mode his agility and durability are second to none—he might be physically overpowered by Thanos and Abomination. However, the edges of our offensive line with Hulk and Venom might have some juice here, especially with as fast of a backfield as Supes, Flash and Sonic.

My first thought is simple: RUN THE OPTION. The defense has a clear weak point at Droideka on the EDGE. No lateral quickness at all, the guy is a stiff out there. While Goku is a phenomenal athlete, he might get distracted by all the eye candy. Hulk at right tackle gives us an ultimate ace in the hole, so here’s what I’m running. Pull Colossus to the right, and have Hulk take on Abomination. You read Droideka and force him to be wrong. If he’s too wide, the give is to Sonic and he goes bursting into the end zone. If Droideka closes that gap, Superman keeps it and runs the option with Goku as the target. If you wanna take out an incredibly fast moving defender, force him to think and be wrong.

In the passing game, the obvious target here is Batman. Batman is great, but whew shit is he out of his element on this field. I cannot stress enough how much Batman is JUST A DUDE IN A SUIT, and doesn’t have the foot speed to keep up with basically anyone in the backfield. I’m running angle routes and wheel routes at Bruce Wayne until he cries.

From the defensive perspective (again, I thought WAY too hard about this), the obvious weak point offensively is Baymax, but you want to be able to bottle up the speed in the backfield. What this means is setting a hard edge and forcing them back inside, to your strength. While Goku might not always be the quickest thinker, even in his Super Saiyan form he can travel beyond the speed of light. I want that guy coming downhill and wrecking everything. Droideka is gonna be used to take up space, and I’m slanting my line back towards the weakside, hopefully creating one-on-one matchups up front. This allows Batman to do what he does best: use prep time. He can read and react, cleaning up everything. Where we can really get interesting is involving the corners in the run fit. I think Maijin Vegeta would love to mix it up on the backside, so I would have he and Gojo playing the flat. Because my safeties have so much range, I’m fine leaving them to the deep halves of the field.

Initially, I said the defense wins but the offense makes it close. However, after going through the Xs and Os and potential gameplan for each side, I think the offense wins. Superman is just far too much of a force multiplier on offense, and the only person that could match him on the other side is Goku, who you can manipulate. Add in the speed in the backfield and the ability to isolate Batman and you got trouble for the defense. Defense could just absolutely dominate the line of scrimmage and flip this game, but it’s hard to keep a Kryptonian down, and Kal-El is the best of them.

James Dator: Heroes win, and it’s not even close

I don’t think the person who created this hypothetical situation stopped for a second to comprehend just how fast The Flash is. It breaks the entire concept of this game. I’ll set aside for a moment why the hell you have him playing fullback, and just focus on the obvious game-breaking element here:

I’M RUNNING THE WILDCAT WITH THE FLASH!

If we accept The Flash by his modern accepted speed he’s able to run 13 trillion times the the speed of light. This it so incomprehensibly fast that the hero team can just cheat if they want to. Direct snap the ball to The Flash, he runs backwards out of his own end zone, out of the stadium, does a few laps around the earth for good measure, runs back to the stadium and re-enters on the other side of the field, stopping in the end zone — boom, touchdown. Then you run it again on the two-point conversion.

There is no referee in even fictional existence that could prove The Flash did this. Before a single defender moves a millimeter he’s scored a TD. Only 100 yards to The Flash is like your eye moving a nanometer in the process of blinking.

Let’s assume he isn’t going to cheat, however. We’ll say it’s a hero code of ethics. So here’s the problem: DC Comics have overpowered The Flash to the point where his speed is so incomprehensible that he can turn back time by altering the laws of physics. This means that even running at a trillionth of his potential speed he’s so much faster than anyone on defense that their movements would operate at a crawl. All he’d need to do is take a relative stroll in-field, ducking any potential moves to catch him, and walk to the end zone.

Also, before you come at me let’s be abundantly clear: No, no Saiyan from Dragon Ball Z isn’t remotely as fast as The Flash. Don’t get me wrong, Goku is fast as hell, but he’s clocked at 33,314 times the speed of light. Once again, The Flash is 13 TRILLION TIMES THE SPEED OF LIGHT!

I loved this little thought experiment, but The Flash breaks the entire thing. Putting Sonic in the same backfield just made this even sillier.

Mark Schofield: How the defense steals a win

First off, dear readers, you must understand something.

When this was posted on social media Wednesday it brought almost all work at the SB Nation corporate offices — or Slack channel, if you will — to a stop. We all spent way too much time sketching out play designs on both sides of the ball, including my dear friend JP, who had a HURRICANE BEARING DOWN ON HIM IN FLORIDA.

So, you know we took this assignment seriously.

For some odd reason, my mind immediately focused on the defensive side of the football. As you have seen there are some … weaknesses along that defensive front seven. I’m worried about Droideka on the edge, and as you just read from JP, he’s going to be running at Droideka all game.

There is also another concern.

Batman.

Look we all love Batman, but he is an absolute liability as a middle linebacker. The offensive is going to do all sorts of things to get him isolated on either Sonic or the Flash in the passing game — as an aside getting the Flash in here as a fullback feels like cheating but ok — and we need to help him as much as possible.

So we are building this defensive structure around these safeties, and bringing back the Legion of Boom a bit.

We’re bringing Martain Manhunter down into the box in that Kam Chancellor role. His list of powers is as long as a Waffle House menu. He’s going to be clogging passing lanes underneath, giving us a +1 in the box against the run, and with his speed he can even go sideline-to-sideline as needed against the pass and take away options for Superman when he wants to throw underneath. Simply put, he’s going to be my first line of defense against that Sonic/Flash tandem in the backfield.

This scheme might ask a ton of our corners, but with the Silver Surfer playing deep in that Earl Thomas role, he can help sideline-to-sideline as well.

As for Batman, in passing situations we’re walking him up into the a-gap between Thing and Baymax, forcing Superman to slide protection that way, and try to generate some one-on-one situations with Droideka against the Hulk. Because let’s face it, you might catch him as Bruce Banner for a snap or two.

It is a tall task, as that offense is loaded, but I think relying on that safety tandem gives this defense a shot to pull it out.