Danish Christian philosopher Soren Kierkegaard famously said, “Prayer doesn’t change God; it changes us.” While this, I believe, is true, I also believe our prayers do influence God’s decisions, but that’s another topic for another day. What I like about this quote is its emphasis on how prayer changes us. Prayer increases our faith, softens our hearts, and settles our minds. To this point, every Christian should pray, and every Christian marriage should be fueled by prayer.
One of the most important things you will ever do for your marriage is to pray for your marriage. As a marriage coach, I help couples learn better ways of communicating and rebuilding trust, among other things. Learning great communication skills, conflict resolution techniques, and intimacy hacks are essential for a thriving marriage. However, if you’re leaving your marriage “uncovered” by failing to pray for your spouse and the success of your marriage, it will always be vulnerable to attacks from the enemy.
Prayer is the great unifier in marriage. It surpasses our understanding and logic. Many times, my husband and I have disagreed on something or have been distant for some reason, and when we pray, it’s as if the space between us all but vanishes. God is glorified, and we see each other through a new lens: a lens of peace, hope, and unconditional love. I want to share the acronym C.O.V.E.R I created that will help you to cover your marriage in prayer.
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1. Pray with COMPASSION
The dictionary defines compassion as “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by suffering or misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.” As you know, being a Christian does not prevent you from experiencing pain. There are times when your spouse may be suffering, and the best way to love him/her is to extend compassion. This can be difficult when his/her suffering hurts you. Perhaps your spouse has become irritable, moody, or withdrawn. It can be difficult to see beyond your spouse’s negative behavior to the suffering he/she may be experiencing. This is why when you pray for your spouse, you should start with compassion.
Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God has forgiven you.” Think about that for a moment. How are you treating your spouse in the midst of what he/she is suffering? Are you extending kindness and compassion, or are you holding grudges and unforgiveness?
Compassion and empathy are interconnected. They both communicate, “You are not alone, and I care about you.” How different would our marriages be if we would communicate this powerful truth? When you pray with compassion, the Lord will often show you the “why” behind the “what.” The Holy Spirit is the source of all wisdom and truth, and when we invite him into our pain, he reveals his heart toward us, which helps us to then extend that same heart to others. The first thing to remember when you go to pray for your marriage is to ask God to give you a heart of compassion and merciful love.
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2. Pray in ONENESS
The purpose of marriage is to become one. Jesus taught this so clearly in Mark 10:8, “and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one flesh.” #Marriagegoals is a popular trend on social media, usually accompanied by pictures of happy couples on exotic vacations or basking in a loving embrace. However, the goal of marriage is not simply to be happy; it is to be one. Your marriage is a living witness of the realness of who Jesus is. Again, Jesus taught and prayed, “I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me” (John 17:21, emphasis mine). While this was a prayer for all of his disciples, you and your spouse are included. Your Christian marriage is a light to unbelievers.
Walking in oneness takes continuous humility. You’ve likely experienced miscommunication in your marriage at some point. That’s not the problem. The problem is when you refuse to humble yourself, see from your spouse’s perspective, and choose oneness over selfishness. Praying in oneness means you prioritize the greater purpose of your marriage above your preferences, offenses, and hang-ups. Pray that you and your spouse will walk in oneness. Get on the same page with God and become unified with his plan. When conflict arises, let go of the idea that you need to “win the fight,” get your point across, or have your way. When you pray for your marriage with oneness at the center, you will experience unity and intimacy like never before.
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3. Pray with VIGOR
Prayers for your marriage should be vigorous! We pray passionately for many things. How much more should the prayers for your marriage be full of effort, energy, and enthusiasm? But in reality, the Christian couples who do pray for their marriages often do so wearily when there has been disappointment or conflict that chisels away the desire to pray with passion. Isaiah 40:29 says, “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.”
God gives strength to the weary. He is the one who gives you the power and energy to put in the effort. Prayer increases your strength! When you “cast your cares” on the Lord, he not only strengthens you but sustains you even in difficult seasons to enable you to endure. Trust his faithfulness, and as you pray in love, commitment, and vigor, God will deliver.
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4. Pray with EXPECTATION
“Can you believe God came through so quickly?!” My friend asked, excited about a new opportunity I had been given.
“Yeah,” I replied. “I actually can believe it. I expected nothing less.”
You see, when I pray for something, I actually believe it’s going to happen. I believe God hears and answers his children. I often talk about praying with expectation in the messages I share across various platforms. It’s time we all start to pray with faith, a confident expectation that God will answer, and not just “hope for the best.” When we go to the Lord, we go with a heart of expectation. God hears you when you pray and is willing to make moves on your behalf.
When we go to God in prayer, we should expect that he will deliver. Find some promises in His word to anchor your faith. One of my favorites is Psalm 37:4: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Pray for victory from a place of victory. When you pray, believe what you are praying for and watch God make himself known in the most magnificent ways.
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5. Pray with READINESS
It’s one thing to pray with expectation; it’s another to be ready to do what God says when you pray. Prayer is a dialogue. First, you pray, then you get quiet and listen to hear what God has to say back to you. Be ready for the Spirit of the Lord to guide you, even if it is something that you may not want to hear. Let’s say you are praying that your spouse will have a closer walk with the Lord. You want him/her to “encounter Jesus daily.” The Lord may speak to your heart and tell you to repent to your spouse for something you did but deemed insignificant. Are you ready to obey what you hear? Usually, answered prayer is contingent upon your obedience.
When you pray for your marriage, listen to get direction and then be ready to take action. Luke 11:28 says, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.” If you want God to speak to you, then you need to be ready to obey. Simply pray from your heart and then listen to what God speaks back to you.
Finally, Jesus gave his disciples a “prescription” to pray that we know as the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6. A line from that prayer I find myself repeating often is, “Your kingdom come, your will be done on Earth as it is in heaven” (vs. 10). I will often substitute “on Earth” with whatever entity needs the kingdom of God to come. For example, “Your kingdom comes, you will be done in my marriage as it is in heaven” or “Your kingdom come, you will be done in my attitude as it is in heaven.” Pray for the will of God to be done in your marriage. Prayer is powerful! Now is the time for you to C.O.V.E.R. your marriage in prayer.
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Dana Che Williams is a speaker, marriage/relationship coach, and the host of the Rebuilding US podcast, where she helps people uncomplicate relationships and build deeper connections. She is also a devoted daughter and friend of God and serves as a Teaching Pastor at a multi-site, multi-ethnic church in Virginia Beach, VA. In groups, large or small, Dana’s mission is singular: to help lead people into more fruitful and connected relationships with the Lord and each other. On the podcast, she is known for her graceful candor, humor, and encouraging yet challenging advice. Dana holds a B.A. in communication from Regent University. She has a fierce passion for fashion and a fiercer passion for truth. She shares her life with Shaun, her childhood sweetheart and husband of twenty-four years, their four amazing children, and their “multi-cultural” dog in beautiful Virginia Beach, VA. Connect with her on social media @mrsdanache and find helpful relationship resources on her website at https://danache.com.
Originally published Thursday, 01 August 2024.
